PART 1-- Darius(Dapeng) Zhao-- The American Dream, the equality based on the respect.
Hi, here is Darius!
P1📌

It seems to me that in order to realize the American dream of equality for all, people must learn to respect.
👿👻👿👻👿👻👿👻👿👻👿
There are no❌ perfect people. Although we have been educated since childhood to respect others, the weakness of human nature will still make us make mistakes.
I have been pursuing perfection since childhood👦🏻👦🏻, which has made me perform well in many aspects. After a long time, I became proud of myself, and unconsciously, I found myself to look down on
📗📗📗📗📗📗📗📗📗📗📗
A movie "Green Book" released in 2019 deeply shocked my 💜 . It tells the story of a racially discriminating


Hi, Darius!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is your friend Alisa!!!! And this is my comments for your Part 1. First of all, I have to say that I really like your blog and I read it for many times!
A) GOOD JOB: " I have been pursuing perfection since childhood, which has made me
always perform well in many aspects. " I really like your personal example in the second paragraph! You did a great job!!! Because this thing seems like a real-life experience, I can say that I also had this experience in the past! At the end of this paragraph, you also connect your own experience with the American Dream, which makes the readers feel more interested.
However, I don't mean that every part in your blog is very good. To be honest, your blog made me feel a little confused! I think you can be more focus on explaining one thing in your blog!!
B) PARTS THAT WEREN’T SUCCESSFUL: Nice main points in the introduction, however, it could be good to have one clearer thesis statement. You should connect these two parts together to make a better thesis. (the second sentence and the last sentence in the first paragraph) Also, I think you can use the quotations from the "Green Book", such as the words they said. Also, you should talk about whether your American Dream is realistic or not. You missed a chance to answer a question.
C) PARTS TO IMPROVE: I think the third paragraph is just talking about the movie “Green Book”, but not using more words to connect with your own definition about the American Dream. You were trying to show inequality and how that can change, but it is not really clear. So I think you can do more connections!